The Paisley balaclava is essential for keeping your head warm and stylish. Not to be confused with tankinis, balaclavas are generally considered (by us) to be one of the most important inventions of the nineteenth century.
Named after the battle of Balaclava, where the battle took place, every wearer of the hooded item since has been glad that it was not waged at the neighbouring village of Bumfluff.
Why you should wear a Paisley balaclava
1. Keeping your head warm
What is a balaclava? It is a piece of human head gear generally worn to keep the head warm while covering all parts of the head that are not always fully in use for keeping you alive i.e. your nose, mouth, and the part of your neck that is inside your skin.
This inability to keep your eyes warm means that balaclavas are not perfect – but what is?
2. Bad Hair Day Excuse Agent
Balaclavas are perfect for wearing when you must go somewhere and know your hair is messy. When you take off the balaclava, it immediately takes the blame for whatever hair appearance appears.
This kind of sacrifice should not go unnoticed. I don’t mean you give your balaclava a cookie – that would not be possible because it is an inanimate object – and would therefore struggle to eat it. But, you should consider washing it (particularly if you have never done it before).
3. Intention indicator
Wearing a Paisley balaclava tells the world you have some style while also saying you have no intention of committing a crime.
On the other hand, wearing a black balaclava, particularly a black balaclava ski mask could signal your intention to commit a crime of the going-to-jail variety or that you revel in your shady past. Alternatively, black is the colour to wear when you seek to retain warmth, and you might simply be wearing it because you know that.
4. Swivel game
With everyone starting with their balaclavas on back to front, the aim of the game is for you to answer random questions correctly, with each correct answer allowing you to swivel your balaclava by 10 degrees (this is to be calculated by an appointed Swivel Monitor before the game starts).
At the start of the game, it can be hard to hear the questions or answers. But, as the balaclava gets closer to being worn correctly, the game gets quicker and more exciting.
The first person to spot and name an item put on a table by the appointed Swivel Monitor at the start wins.
Key Point: There is inherent unfairness in this game. If you are the only person in the room who has ever seen an apple, and the item is an apple, you will eventually win. Who says studying never pays?
Additional Key Point: If you suspect your partner is having an affair with another participant in the game and one of them has suggested playing it - beware, particularly if one volunteers to be Swivel Monitor!
It is likely that while you and other players will be innocently sitting there trying to answer questions from ‘100 Questions That Even Einstein Could Not Answer’, your partner and their lover will be playing a game of another kind.
Of course, if you have any doubts about playing the game, or indeed don’t fancy the thought of wearing a full-body balaclava (where the body is the head), a Paisley bandana neck gaiter or a Paisley tube bandana face mask might be a better option for you.
That will scupper the plans of your scheming partner!
5. Head encaser
When your head feels like bursting, a balaclava provides the physical and mental reassurance it will not actually happen.
6. Magnet (not physical magnet)
When worn with a full racing outfit (except the helmet, when it would not be seen), a Paisley balaclava gives the impression that you are a professional racing driver. When worn in a bar on an evening, this will prove irresistible to anyone you have your two uncovered eyes on.
7. Attire deflector
Your Paisley balaclava draws attention away from your main attire. So, if you don’t feel like getting dressed up, or can’t find anything suitable for a special occasion, wear anything + a balaclava. People will be looking at your balaclava and not at whatever else you are wearing - believe me!
Key Point – Do not wear only a balaclava. Apart from severely overestimating the effect of your balaclava, this is likely to curtail your evening… and some subsequent evenings.
There is a positive side here of course – it is unlikely you will be identified in any subsequent identity parade unless you live in North Dakota, where all participants in identity parades are required to do so nakedly. (Sorry, I made that last sentence up for comedic effect)
