If you want to add to your Paisley collection - and we here at Just Paisley really think you should - then you need to get yourself a Paisley clock – or better still, get someone else to get one for you.
How do you do that? Observe!
Warning – What you are about to read might upset you… or maybe it will just give you ideas!
Paisley Clock: Time for the conversation
‘Hi, darling. I was thinking I might want an iconic clock for Christmas.’
‘Sorry, who are you?’
‘Oh, sorry. I thought you were my other half. You looked just like them from the back.’
‘But, I was and am in front of you.’
‘I know, but I have this uncanny ability to see round corners and when I noticed you, I was using that ability. I’m sorry. But if we in some way become acquainted before Christmas… you know, my partner dies… your partner dies… you know the kind of thing.... at least you’ll know I want an iconic clock - actually, a Paisley clock - for my Christmas. My birthday is the 15th of December, so you could give me a Paisley clock for my birthday and that would mean I have an extra 10 days to spend with that favourite clock of mine.’
‘What are you actually going to do when you ‘spend’ time with your Paisley Pattern clock?’
‘Oh, no… sorry, it’s not how it seems. I mean when I am in my kitchen and my Paisley clock looks down on me.’
‘Then that would make the two of us.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m looking down on you already. I have never met you and you are talking to me about my dead partner.’
‘It was a figure of speech.’
‘No… 'eight' is a figure of speech. Now, if you have any other special abilities… you know, like mindreading… you will know what I am thinking.’
‘I’m going.’
‘But, wait.... before you go. This Paisley clock – I am intrigued. Is it the face of the clock that is Paisley or is the whole clock shaped like the typical Paisley teardrop shape? Now, that would be a technical masterpiece.’
‘Oh… so you know about Paisley?’
‘Know about Paisley? I am from Paisley.’
‘Paisley, Scotland.’
‘No. Paisley, Oregon.’
‘So, how do you know about Paisley… the Paisley?’
‘Well, if you are born in Paisley, Oregon, you are told pretty much everything about the town that gave your town its name.’
‘So, while you were sitting in your little school seat in Oregon, you were learning everything there was to learn about that place thousands of miles across the Atlantic Ocean. That’s incredible!’
‘No, what’s incredible is that we were told that Paisley, Oregon was named after Paisley, Ontario… so ask me anything about the Paisley Hose Tower.’
‘When was it built?’
‘1891.’
‘Hold on… hold on. So how do you know about the Paisley Pattern?’
‘Well… it didn’t take so long to learn about Paisley, Ontario, so I decided to also learn about Paisley, Scotland.’
‘That is indeed commendable.’
‘Yes, it is. And you know what? I feel like I almost belong there.’
‘Really? What have you learned?
‘I’ve learned that Paisley Museum is undergoing a multi-million-pound transformational development that will bring the town thousands of new visitors annually. Its feature will be its extensive collection of old and new Paisley items.’
‘Fascinating!’
‘Yes. And I’ve learned that St. Mirren is the local football team, named after the monk, St Mirin, who is Paisley's Patron Saint and was born in 565 AD – which probably means he is dead. Also, I know that the Bungalow Bar periodically has a comedy night and there is an annual Beer Festival. The town centre also has the highest concentration of listed buildings in Scotland, excluding Edinburgh.’
‘That is equally if not quite as fascinating. So, about this dead partner of yours?’
‘My partner is not dead. Let me recall – I actually said, ‘I have never met you and you are talking about my dead partner.’
‘Really! So, your partner is dead?’
‘No! My partner is very much alive – for now!’
'What do you mean?’
‘Well, I’ve now spoken to you longer in the last few minutes than I have spoken to my partner all year.’
‘But, it is the middle of November – hence my reference to Christmas… and my birthday. But, what are you actually trying to say?’
‘I am thinking while I want you to go, I also want you to stay.’
‘Is that a form of mental multi-tasking?’
‘Probably!’
‘Hold on, are you talking murder here?’
‘Not here. You missed out on a comma. I am thinking about murder, here, but not here.’
‘Where?’
‘Maybe your kitchen, under the gaze of your Paisley Print clock.’
‘I don’t have a Paisley clock!’
‘But, I will buy you one. And then we can count down the hours until… until we are together.’
‘You mean you want us to kill both of our partners.’
‘I only have one partner.’
‘So do I. What are you talking about?’
‘Never mind. But what we are talking about – and I know I am partially talking in italics here – is that I will be able to buy you that Paisley clock, and by the time I get my credit card statement, there will be no one there to ask me about the purchase from The Clock Shop. And no one there to ask me why I bought a Paisley clock, and to reply when I asked them how they knew it was a Paisley clock because they will not be able to say that they phoned The Clock Shop and were told it was bought by a person as a Christmas present/possible birthday present for their lover of three days.’
‘Three days?’
‘Yes, The Clock Shop is closed tomorrow and Monday, and I don’t think I will get there in time today.’
‘So, when are we going to do this?’
‘My credit card statement comes in around the 5th of the month. That gives us at least a couple of weeks.’
‘Can I think about it?’
‘What is there to think about?’
‘Whether I go for the Paisley face clock or the Paisley-shaped clock. Maybe you could buy me one for my birthday and the other for my Christmas?’
‘And what are you thinking about buying me for my Christmas?’
‘A pair of Paisley shower curtains. They double up perfectly as body bags.’
‘Excellent. That sorts that out.’
‘So, how and when do we start?’
‘Let’s start by telling each other our names.’
‘You mean, I tell you your name and you tell me mine?’
‘No, I thought maybe you tell me your name and I will tell you mine.’
‘It’s not quite as much fun, but if there’s a couple of Paisley clocks in it for me, let’s do it.’