What is a cummerbund?
Most people probably don’t know what a cummerbund is – never mind a Paisley cummerbund. So, let’s get the basics out of the way first.
A cummerbund is a waist strap used – unsurprisingly – to cover the waist when wearing formal attire. That's it! But there is so much more to the cummerbund!
Oh... and it is cummerbund - not cumberbund - not comerband - not Kumberpunctureband - that clear!
When we buy the men's cummerbund, it is generally with a bow tie in a set. Why? Because the bow tie magnificently deflects from the tux cummerbund which also magnificently deflects. We here at Just Paisley are ever so slightly biased, and if you want to know about the deflecting powers of the Paisley bow tie, check out this link.
Why do men wear a cummerbund?
There are 9 reasons - 9 exactly - why a man would want to wear a cummerbund:
1. To cover a stain
Your shirt is stained at the bottom. Let’s face it, despite the claims of every manufacturer that their latest powder is their best ever (why do we need to hear this – they are not exactly going to say ‘New JazzyClene’ – it is slightly worse than our previous version, but please stick with us, we are hoping that our next version will at least be as powerful as our best ever, which was the one we launched in 1997), there are just some stains which the best powder in the world will not remove.
And depending on what you were doing on the last wearing of your shirt, and how you were doing it, there might be a stain for which an accommodative cummerbund would come along and cover it up.
This article is not meant to be judgmental. In fact, it is not judgmental. Whatever you did to put the unremovable stain on your shirt, just don’t do it again!
2. Shirt too short
You will know when your shirt is not long enough when it decides to hang out of your pants or trousers at the slightest movement, or more noticeably initially, when it doesn’t tuck in in the first place (note the deliberate use of back to back ‘ins’ – I award myself points when I can use the same word consecutively, but I am sure you don’t need to know that).
Key Point: If you look in the mirror and see your belly skin while wearing your shirt, this is a quick indicator that your shirt won't tuck in. A cummerbund remedies this in 2 ways:
It acts as a restraining agent on your belly. Similar to the way an eye mask prevents eyes from falling out, the cummerbund stops bellies from gaslighting the rest of the body.
If your shirt does not even reach your trousers, the cummerbund hides the gap and acts as a belly warmer – which is something the belly does not deserve, but it is nice to be nice.
3. Pants or trousers too short
Let’s face it, we don’t get to wear our tuxedo cummerbund very often. Most of us spend our lives assiduously trying to avoid attending formal events but sometimes you need to do it. A good example would be when you are a father and it is your daughter’s wedding. It probably makes sense for you to attend, even though you might consider how much you would save by not personally attending.
If you haven’t worn your tuxedo for several years, you might be shocked when you put it on – or attempt to put it on. The most likely pinch point is around the waist. More unlikely – but not impossible – is that you have grown taller so that your pants are too short for you.
It is unlikely that you have grown much, so rather than buy a new pair of pants or a tuxedo, Just Paisley recommends a tuxedo cummerbund. This will allow you to slip your pants down just far enough not to be noticed. If you slip them down too far, this will be noticed, and the party will soon be attended by a couple of burly police officers.
4. Hide your belly
The fourth and most usual reason for wearing a cummerbund is to hide your belly. Most men and I am one, are magnificently sculpted individuals. But, believe it or not, there are men out there who carry excess weight around the midriff. Societally, this is seen as acceptable – let’s face it, anything goes these days. But, for those small number of unfortunates afflicted with this…. affliction… they sometimes feel compelled to cover up the offending weighty… offenders. An elastic cummerbund is generally the go-to device for hiding that portly belly.
It would normally be a duffel coat, but duffel coats are deemed unacceptable formal attire- except perhaps in Finland, in December, for an outside wedding.
In this situation – not the Finland example we have moved on from – the cummerbund is the equivalent of a lady’s corset. But, unlike the corset, which is generally worn as an undergarment, the cummerbund is an overgarment. (Does this create a sexist element here – or does it just serve to say that women are smarter about how to present themselves?)
So, the cummerbund can be seen. This means if it is tied too tight, it looks like you have squeezed into it, and the skin above it will appear to be flopping over the edge of it. This is not a good look and is therefore best avoided.
5. Conformity
Black cummerbunds, with tuxedos and bow ties, are a sort of dress suit for ‘suits’. At a corporate event, it is common for all men to dress as penguins. You will always get the ones who will also dress as ‘reverse’ penguins i.e. the white jacket, white bow tie, and white cummerbund.
They do this to show that they are different, or sometimes to show they are the boss, or sometimes to show the boss that they should be the boss. These white penguins are actually black sheep and are to be avoided. With luck, they will be mistaken for waiters at the event. Their shame, and the obvious blow to their promotion climbing plans, will be further dealt a blow when they are forcefully removed to the kitchen or fired for either not serving drinks quickly enough or for drinking alcohol while at work.
But why a Paisley cummerbund?
If the last thing you want to be seen doing is to conform, then this is where the Paisley patterned cummerbund makes its entrance. Yes, you get Paisley cummerbunds (don’t you get everything Paisley?). Now, think about it – what would you think if you saw someone in a Paisley cummerbund and bow tie? Honestly? Absolute star! If there is a classier combo out there – please let me know. I need it!
And if you are the person wearing it – be prepared to be pestered all night long. You will be asked by everyone where you got it. You will be confused because sometimes they will be talking about the combo and sometimes they will be talking about your style. The former should not be seen as a come-on – but the latter, well come on!
This takes us nicely to
6. Phone number holder
It is not cool to take out your phone at a formal event. In fact, it is seen as rude. So, what do you do when phone numbers are being forced on you all evening (in no small part due to the Paisley cummerbund you are wearing)? This is where the Paisley Post-It notepad and Paisley pen you brought happen to come in handy.
You tuck all the phone-numbered Post-Its inside your cummerbund. Perfect! You can even stick them on the outside of your cummerbund if you want everyone else to see how popular you are.
Key Point: Depending on where you live, displaying names and phone numbers of individuals could see you in breach of some privacy laws – please check the law in your state or country.
7. Vest or waistcoat substitute
‘Substitute’ is the wrong word. I have written the article and could easily just have scrubbed it out and written ‘Upgrade’ because that is really what the cummerbund is. But, I won’t.
The cummerbund is so forgiving in the ‘sweating’ department. We have all experienced the feeling of sweat running down our backs because we decided to wear something inappropriate for the occasion. And the vest might be the biggest culprit in this area.
Yes, we wanted to wear Grandad’s old pocket watch as a tribute to him, and yes, the vest was almost obligatory to allow us to do that – but, just how uncomfortable was that?
8. Sweatband
That’s not to say that the cummerbund is perfect. Yes, if the temperature is too high, if you insist you spend the evening on the dance floor, and you insist on doing the jive – even at slow dances – then, yes, you will sweat, even wearing a cummerbund. But the great thing about the cummerbund is that it acts as a giant sweatband – how lucky are you?
9. Flycatcher
Insects and flies are one of the most common reasons weddings are ruined – just after one of the other side’s uncles gets drunk.
If everyone sees flies feasting on the wedding cake before it is cut, then no one wants to eat a slice. A squeamish bride might not even want to cut it, and a groom might see this squeamishness as cause for an annulment.
That is when someone – ideally you – steps up and decides you are taking one for the team. Your flypaper cummerbund will forever be remembered as the 'Star of the Show' – even more so than the bride. The sight of you zooming around the room catching flies will live much longer in the mind than that of the bride’s first wedding dress.
You will instantly and forever be cast as a superhero – Flypaperman. Admittedly, there are more glamorous superheroes, but a superhero is a superhero – even Trawlerwoman.
And of course, such selflessness has its perks. It means that you don’t even need a chat up line when you go up to the most beautiful bridesmaid – you simply point them to your fly-riddled cummerbund.
Key Point: Early intervention with your flycatcher cummerbund is a must. By taking food off some guests who would otherwise be making themselves more obese, and attaching it to your cummerbund, you will instantly attract more flies. More flies mean more attention and more attention means fame. If a Hollywood producer happens to be in attendance, make sure you pitch The Flypaperman idea to them – with you of course in the leading role.
