If you are looking for just a hint of Paisley on your dining table – why? You should be going full Paisley – but there is this plain tablecloth you love and must decorate your table with. Okay, I get it!
I get it, and I accept it. But what I cannot accept is there is a total lack of Paisley on that dining table. What about a Paisley table runner? Okay, okay, I get it! You are looking for the subtle Paisley look – the not-in-your-face Paisley look. Okay, I accept the compromise – Paisley napkins are subtly beautiful and add vibrancy to a plain tablecloth or table.
But, if you go down the Paisley napkin route, don’t be surprised if the comments and questions keep coming.
Where did you get those Paisley napkins?
Always answer that they were a gift – that way, you will not be looking at the same napkins when your friend reciprocates and invites you to theirs for their own poorly constructed meal. (Beware the friend who insists on obtaining the phone number of the person who gave you the napkins. They know you did not receive them as a gift, and they are simply trying to take you down a peg or two – as is their right after you have shamelessly lied to them)
Can you do the same with a Paisley napkin as you do with a Paisley bandana?
In the main, you can do with napkins what you can do with a Paisley bandana. The only caveat to this is when the napkins are made of paper. Depending on what you do with them, they might tear and make you look a little stupid. In the frequently occurring situation where you find yourself outside congaing in the rain with a Paisley paper napkin, you will be faced with a choice, permanent loss of credibility or two minutes of fun. I know what I would choose – credibility is so overrated.
What happens when you don’t have enough Paisley napkins for all your guests?
This is a tricky one. Most people would opt for cutting the napkins and giving their guests a part napkin. I prefer the only alternative which is asking your less-loved friends to leave. (You can cushion the blow by telling them that when you have Paisley napkins back in stock, you will call them immediately – but it is unlikely to be tonight!)
Your friends know the pattern but forget its name
Ask your friend to leave immediately (do not tell them not to pass go, or go straight to jail, as they will think you are joking). If anyone around your table is unaware of your devotion and love for the Paisley Pattern and has not bothered to learn its name, do you really want them as a friend?
The Just Paisley preferred option is to set a test at the start of the evening. Ask everyone attending – separately, of course (while keeping all others in a holding bay) – if they recognise the pattern. If they fail, they are instantly ejected.
This prevents any embarrassing middle-of-the-evening departures, and in fairness, gives ejected guests ample time to make alternative dining arrangements. It also helps the evening flow and allows remaining guests to know they are secure and will be fed.
Is this the end of our friendship?
For those who fail the Paisley test, there is likely to be some confusion and disbelief. It can be a troubling time to have been thrown out – or at least told to leave the home of someone you considered a true friend. In times like this, it is time to be magnanimous.
Tell your friend there is a way back for them – but only after they have learned what the Paisley Pattern is called. Don’t raise their hopes by telling them the answer – they need to re-earn your friendship by going away and finding out for themselves.
As a guest, can I wipe my mouth with my Paisley napkin?
No, you can’t! Paisley napkins, while at the table, are purely decorative. They are not meant to be used for protecting clothes, collecting crumbs, or wiping your mouth – that is what you have a hand for!
And always remember – the napkin is not yours! You are only its temporary custodian. If it is fabric, it will be washed and re-used, and it is unlikely you will be the person using it (unless you are the only friend of your host).
If it is paper, then it is likely to be recycled and who knows where and in what form it will re-emerge (so best not to get too attached to it – literally or metaphorically, as you could end up in some tricky spots).
Do your Paisley Pattern napkins actually come from Paisley?
This question, although not entirely without merit, as it is altogether plausible someone in Paisley, Scotland could have crafted them, is a strong signal that the evening is not going well. Some people might feel a little intimidated by the earlier evening banishing of close friends, hence the need to continually talk about Paisley. But, the constant inane chatter about the iconic pattern deflects from conversations that really should be going on:
Who really shot JR? Some people won’t accept the answer and some won’t have a clue what the question means!
If the square root of 9 is 3, why is the square root of 16 not also 3?
What was great about America when it was great? There will be no more questions after this one and your guests will still be discussing it when they leave. When you retire to your bed for the evening, you will still hear familiar voices out on the street continuing the discussion.