It’s that time of year when gift-wrapping abilities come to the fore - and wrapping paper disasters! Some of us have it. Some of us don’t. I don’t! If anything can make you feel inadequate as a human being, it is the lack of ability to wrap gifts - even when you are trying to wrap them with beautiful Paisley wrapping paper.
It doesn’t matter what you do. It doesn’t matter how many YouTube videos you have watched. It doesn’t matter that you have deliberately bought something in a box so that it can be wrapped easily. Or, you have deliberately bought something that can be placed in a beautiful box you plan to buy separately.
And if it is a car – then please get in touch with me as I would like to get to know you – and you go to a custom-made box manufacturer to buy a car-sized cardboard box (which would still be dwarfed by the biggest ever cardboard box which was apparently over 120 yards long x 20 yards high x 4 yards wide). It must have been for a train, surely? If it was a train, and you gave it, I would like to get to know you.
I digress! When I wrap something – anything – I do it as quickly as possible. The whole process becomes embarrassing. I embarrass myself in front of myself. I prolong my agony by taking longer to wrap the present – for no actual gain.
I look at the folds on either side of the box and they are different sizes. No matter how hard I try, the inside of the paper - the non-shiny, non-sparkly, even white side – will show on the outside. Why? It is not welcome. I have done everything I can to show it is not welcome, but there it is!
I desperately stick loads of beautiful patterned Sellotape over the folds, to hide my not-so-handiwork. Within a minute, it is over. I can only think of one other daily necessity that takes less time. Really? Cleanse your mind, as I take 58 seconds to cleanse my teeth – sorry, tooth!
I look down at it. It is pathetic! I am pathetic!
It looks back at me. Is this it? Is this the best you can do? It is pathetic! You are pathetic!
And then, the words I always hear when I wrap presents gently float into my head, ‘It is the thought that counts.’
So, on Christmas morning, the gift is handed over accompanied by some mumbling words that will not be too dissimilar to ‘Merry Christmas… sorry about the wrapping… it is the thought that counts.’
And then you are handed your beautifully wrapped, tied and bowed gift. You wonder why your relationship has lasted so long.
But then you compound the issue. You have to say something else.
‘Next year, if I blindfold you, could you wrap your present? You wrap so much better than me.’
‘Darling, you say the nicest things.’
You are utterly devastated, as your partner only loves you out of pity. You have officially become a rescue human within your own home.
But, stupidly, you are not finished there.
‘Darling, I’ve bought my parents a couple of little things. Before we go over to theirs this afternoon, could you possibly wrap them for me?’
The reply is not what you expected.
‘You know, darling, you are an adult, and there are certain things that adults should do for themselves… while they are still capable.’
You don’t follow up to see if that was a ‘no’.
But then, sensing that you are a little crestfallen, your partner quickly gives you that shot in the arm you were desperately craving.
‘I just love that Paisley Pattern pink wrapping paper. Where did you get it?’
‘I went to Paisley for it. It’s only sold in Paisley… Scotland.’
‘Really?’
‘No.’ You remember that while your partner might be the best wrapper in the house, you are the brains in the family.’
Confidence restored, you slip off to wrap your parents’ presents. It takes less time to wrap theirs than it does your partner’s.
‘There are more important things in the world than being able to wrap Christmas presents,’ you tell yourself.
‘You know there are few things that define you more in life than how you wrap your Christmas presents’, says your dad, one hour later.
That was not what you wanted to hear. Neither did you want to hear him saying, ‘I remember the time I went to Paisley, Scotland to get Paisley wrapping paper because I was told it was the only place you could get it. It was a little shop on the corner, facing onto the Abbey and just across the road from what used to be Goldbergs. Just up from The Old Swan, and just along the road from what is now The Pendulum and used to be Arnotts.’
Impressed by your father’s knowledge of Paisley, but less impressed that you share the same genetics as a man who was duped into traveling to Paisley, Scotland for Paisley wrapping paper, you once again question your suitability for anything remotely to do with anything.
‘The great thing about Paisley wrapping paper…’ says your dad, no doubt fondly thinking about his trip to Paisley, ‘… the great thing about Paisley wrapping paper is that it doesn’t just need to be used at Christmas, you can also use it as birthday wrapping paper, wedding wrapping paper, christening wrapping paper and oh yes... funeral wrapping paper.’
‘Funeral?’
‘Yes, when your conscience gets the better of you and you feel you need to return your dead friend’s Paisley multi-tool hammer (yes, it does exist!) that you stole from them ten years ago. You know that they no longer care about it, but you do… and you want to return it in a way you don’t want their partner to know you stole it.’
‘Multi-tool hammer? Could you not just wait a few weeks, and then pop round to his partner’s and return it, saying that you had borrowed it from Stan?’
‘I couldn’t do that.’
‘Why not? Because it wasn’t Stan who died. It was Dan.’
You are now at a point where being unable to wrap Christmas presents is no longer the problem it seemed earlier in the day. You are at the point where you want to ask everyone you meet – except strangers – if they think you are like your dad.
Then, you remember the Paisley Christmas wrapping paper. It was a triumph. You like to see yourself as forward-thinking, and while you haven’t checked the holiday calendar, you know there is likely to be a Christmas next year – and probably some birthdays, weddings, christenings, and if you take a lover, maybe even some gifts for no particular reason other than keeping your lover sweet… and then quiet, as the affair descends into acrimony.
You know that if there is one thing you always get right, it is your wrapping paper. So, you go to the Just Paisley website which helps you find some beautiful Paisley wrapping paper to stock up on.
Then you see there is so much more Paisley to acquire and enjoy. It might be Christmas Day, but livewire that you are, you decide to capitalise on your strengths – shopping and having the willpower not to watch The Wizard of Oz for the eighteenth time – this year!
