We might be a little biased, but we at Just Paisley think a Paisley backpack is not for being thrown in a corner once you have arrived at your destination. No, you do not put them in a school locker (particularly if you are an adult and have not attended school for years).
No, you do not throw them in a cupboard after returning home from the gym (you take out your sweaty gym gear, put it in the washing machine, and then place your backpack on your sofa).
Yes, Paisley backpacks are for proudly displaying. If you are at school, you should keep it on top of your desk (unless your teacher tells you to put it on the floor – which is still a result as you will still be able to see it out of the corner of your eye as you look down at your cell phone).
If your distinctive backpack is sitting next to you on the sofa, this will prevent any unwanted family member from sitting down next to you (and if you have previously been told you are the unwanted family member, it will stop your parents from sitting down next to you). Let’s face it, you will probably get more sense out of a purple Paisley backpack (like the one below) than your little brother anyway.
So, now we have decided that your Paisley backpack should be displayed everywhere, all we need do is decide what to put in it.
8 necessities for your Paisley backpack
1. Forceps
Forceps used to be a staple tool for helping deliver babies. Not so popular nowadays, they have been somewhat overtaken by vacuum cups. The only problem for you when you are out in the wilderness is that there is frequently no electricity supply.
This means that in the event you are asked to deliver a baby – and I am guessing (possibly wrongly) that we will all be asked to deliver a baby at some point in our lives – then forceps are a must!
If you are lucky, the baby might slip right out. If not, and it is to prove to be more complicated, your foresight in bringing forceps will not only mark you out as clever but also see you nominated as the lead deliverer.
As you wallow in the gory mess about to ensue, you will find your forceps worth their weight in gold (which is at approximately $2600 an ounce as I write this).
So, forceps are a must in every backpack - not as useful as a meat cleaver, but much smaller, they just get the nod over their equally bloody counterpart.
2. Bottle of hand sanitiser
If you are serious about getting that birth delivery right, you should always carry a bottle of hand sanitiser. Useful for sterilising the forceps, without water, it can also be used for washing other birthing material off your hands.
3. Smaller backpack
If you place a slightly smaller backpack inside your backpack, you will almost instantly double your carrying capacity. Also, if you are struggling to decide which of two beautiful Paisley backpacks to choose, you can pick them both and simply place one inside the other. Also also, you will get double the acclaim when you reveal them to whoever you reveal them to, or to those strangers you just happen to pass on the street. (There is no also also also!)
Key point: Most humans only have one back, so if you want to use your backpack for its intended purpose – and it is not the law – then it makes sense to be accompanied by a backpackless friend for you to make this work. I know I should not need to write this bit but just in case – yes, you ask the friend to carry the other backpack – on their back.
4. Small baby Paisley toy
This is nothing other than a blatant promotion of Paisley, but it could prove useful if you come across an inconsolable baby (not the one you just delivered as it would be far too young for a toy).
5. Empty egg box
An empty egg box again is one of those things that have multiple uses.
If someone accuses you of not eating your lunch, you can pull out your empty egg box, show them recently occupied egg spaces, and insist you have just eaten the missing eggs.
Also, like the smaller backpack, the empty egg box will give the additional capacity to carry up to a specific number of egg-shaped items (including eggs).
6. Horseshoe
Another dual-use item, a horseshoe should always be carried, both to gain infinite quantities of luck and for when you come across a horse that needs a new shoe.
7. Impressive book
An impressive book is not compulsory for every backpack – but, it should be. Your choice of book is dependent on whom you are trying to impress.
Unsurprisingly, most people seek to impress those they have developed a crush on. The ‘trick’ here, and this would imply you are being deceitful and scheming (which you are), is to ensure your special book is placed at the top of your unfastened backpack and to topple it out at a specific opportune moment.
This means you will need to fill your backpack to the brim. What do you fill it with? How should I know? Think of something yourself – I can’t spoon-feed you forever!
8. Pocket radio
Strictly speaking, a pocket radio (if it is still a thing in these ever-quickening technological times) should be held in your pocket. If you place it in your backpack, you will immediately thwart any pocket radio thieves who might be out there.
This also applies to anything else you might keep in your pocket – like a pocket watch or other things that don’t have ‘pocket’ in their name but fit comfortably inside your pocket.
We have only listed 8 things you could keep inside your unique backpack. We are sure you could come up with another one at least – and maybe two at the most. If you can, keep it to yourself. What you do in your private life should remain private.